Teenage angst suppressed

It's been a year since I was a teenager. I still feel the same; everywhere I go, my blood boils despite my attempt to lower the flame; I always reach the conclusion that I'm filled with suppressed rage which I can't find a proper outlet for my emotions. Most of the time when I take my empty heart along to confide in others, they scoff and brush it off. They may not mean it in a mocking manner, but I take it personally - as if they're really laughing at me.

All I've longed for in the past year, was for someone to confide in; someone who would understand. But how often is it that someone is knocked down by a car? Rarely. So I never expect anyone to understand how I feel. So I don't expect to find someone who would understand. "God will understand"/ I can't see him or hear him and I'm just a human. Of course after going through what some consider "traumatic", I'm longing for a human touch. I've had enough of this spiritual gibberish. I need something easy and simple to understand. Sure I believe God is real, he exists. That is as far as religion (or a relationship) will take me. Come as you are, as you were; as I want you to be - as a friend, as I want you to be. That's all I want.

I'm back to listening to good grunge music; Kurt Cobain. I love every Nirvana song, Come As You Are, being my favourite, topping Smells Like Teens Spirit. I'm not sure what it is, but every Nirvana song has that "care less"  attitude that I like.

That's it for today, goodnight!
Mark

Am I alright?

No. I'm not okay, but i'm adapting, and I like who my circumstance is shaping me to be. My circumstance is shaping me to have a sombre personality, and I like that.

I've gotten good at hiding my emotions; it's almost as if I can activate a particular emotion when I want it to arise. I've found small ways to vent out my emotions. Anger; I'll do a metal growl with offhand lyrics of death that expresses my insights. Sadness; I'll do the same as for anger, but with a whispered scream. Happiness; I'll listen/singalong to songs on the radio. However, I'm never consistent with any one emotion. It'll evolve to yet, some times a totally different, emotion. I can be happy for a moment but then I'll suddenly be down in the doldrums. This is not a complaint, i'm content with the direction I'm heading in.

No matter where I am, I feel awkward. I can't hold a proper conversation with a friend. Halfway through church service, the thought of death coaxed me once again. Church feels like a ritual now, but that's beginning to change as I try to listen intently and take down notes. At least my relationship with Christ is growing. I think.

I don't care if people disagree and laugh - though they mean well. They may not, but I view myself as a freak. A freak's an abnormal deviation from nature. I don't appear as a freak. The way I think is as of a freak; perverted thoughts; brutally malicious thoughts; my perception of how schizophrenia is awesome; my will to cease to exist. Those are all how I think a freak would think.

I give up, I can't kill myself. Moreover, I can burn myself. I'll burn and burn, burn to hell as ashes. While I'm selfish, I would also want a heart of stone. I don't want to feel, that hurts too much. I'm one step closer to achieving that; the emotions, feelings, are all numbed from experiences I've gone through. This is where pretending comes in, and I've gotten good with that! Pretend that I'm better, till that illusion becomes a reality. I'll burn past the wax withholding me and I'll be a live flame - I won't simply live life, but live life as to what I make of it. I'm still deciding what to make of it - that is what life is all about. To live for the moment.

Live for the moment, nothing more

- Mark

Life seems to be getting back on track

Several opinions of life are in my thoughts. Some times I don't think, I'd just live for the moment. On rare occasions I do find myself praising myself for the good I've done; and I'll think life is worth living. Recently it's been a roller-coaster ride where there are times where I'll speed right through cloud nine. Then there are the slow-moving days. Both times are good and I enjoy them both; when I'm moving at a snail-pace I get to think through what I'm doing. Still I feel fickle, I wouldn't know what exactly I want, or what I'm doing and why. I'm incomplete, I must rebuild my character and be more decisive.

Despite all that has had happened, I will still try to press on. When I was simply rotting away, I grew irritated with the pungent stench that my mind could smell. So I decided to pull away and live life. Now I need to make up my mind what I'm living this life for. If not, life would really seem pointless. I'm enjoying learning Japanese and the Japanese lessons I attend. That adds some interest to my life.

I'm off now, see ya!
Mark

Still on a rollercoaster; always will be

Darn it. My perception of time is way off. I last posted on this blog a month back, but it feels like three years since I wrote anything. This is the least of my worries. What's ironic is that I should be the most carefree person in the world while I have no school, no work. Just doctors' appointments, gym sessions, piano classes, and I'll stone through those moments. Being a worrywart, I'll worry about anything and everything.

My favourite music artist right now is Radiohead. The music they play is perfect for those stoned moments. My favourite song is Paranoid Android. I really like the sombre me right now. I've also found that I'm terribly fickle-minded. Can't make up my mind either. My answer to any question is "anything".

Recently, I've concluded that life is quite meaningless. No offense to God, so I won't say anything. Instead of attempting suicide, I've given up since I haven't the guts to harm God's temple - my body. Meanwhile, I've been adapting to my dual personality - one is a suicidal mind while the other is happy-go-lucky all the time. I may exaggerate, but that is what I think of myself.

I'm done for the day. See ya.
Mark