Am I alright?

No. I'm not okay, but i'm adapting, and I like who my circumstance is shaping me to be. My circumstance is shaping me to have a sombre personality, and I like that.

I've gotten good at hiding my emotions; it's almost as if I can activate a particular emotion when I want it to arise. I've found small ways to vent out my emotions. Anger; I'll do a metal growl with offhand lyrics of death that expresses my insights. Sadness; I'll do the same as for anger, but with a whispered scream. Happiness; I'll listen/singalong to songs on the radio. However, I'm never consistent with any one emotion. It'll evolve to yet, some times a totally different, emotion. I can be happy for a moment but then I'll suddenly be down in the doldrums. This is not a complaint, i'm content with the direction I'm heading in.

No matter where I am, I feel awkward. I can't hold a proper conversation with a friend. Halfway through church service, the thought of death coaxed me once again. Church feels like a ritual now, but that's beginning to change as I try to listen intently and take down notes. At least my relationship with Christ is growing. I think.

I don't care if people disagree and laugh - though they mean well. They may not, but I view myself as a freak. A freak's an abnormal deviation from nature. I don't appear as a freak. The way I think is as of a freak; perverted thoughts; brutally malicious thoughts; my perception of how schizophrenia is awesome; my will to cease to exist. Those are all how I think a freak would think.

I give up, I can't kill myself. Moreover, I can burn myself. I'll burn and burn, burn to hell as ashes. While I'm selfish, I would also want a heart of stone. I don't want to feel, that hurts too much. I'm one step closer to achieving that; the emotions, feelings, are all numbed from experiences I've gone through. This is where pretending comes in, and I've gotten good with that! Pretend that I'm better, till that illusion becomes a reality. I'll burn past the wax withholding me and I'll be a live flame - I won't simply live life, but live life as to what I make of it. I'm still deciding what to make of it - that is what life is all about. To live for the moment.

Live for the moment, nothing more

- Mark