Taylor Lautner lookalike?

Well, I'm finally doing a blog post based on this blog's title! Tell me, do we look alike? I still say no. He looks more like a robot - so square; ugh! O well, that's just my perspective, what's yours? Comment below and tell me your opinion!

Teenage angst suppressed

It's been a year since I was a teenager. I still feel the same; everywhere I go, my blood boils despite my attempt to lower the flame; I always reach the conclusion that I'm filled with suppressed rage which I can't find a proper outlet for my emotions. Most of the time when I take my empty heart along to confide in others, they scoff and brush it off. They may not mean it in a mocking manner, but I take it personally - as if they're really laughing at me.

All I've longed for in the past year, was for someone to confide in; someone who would understand. But how often is it that someone is knocked down by a car? Rarely. So I never expect anyone to understand how I feel. So I don't expect to find someone who would understand. "God will understand"/ I can't see him or hear him and I'm just a human. Of course after going through what some consider "traumatic", I'm longing for a human touch. I've had enough of this spiritual gibberish. I need something easy and simple to understand. Sure I believe God is real, he exists. That is as far as religion (or a relationship) will take me. Come as you are, as you were; as I want you to be - as a friend, as I want you to be. That's all I want.

I'm back to listening to good grunge music; Kurt Cobain. I love every Nirvana song, Come As You Are, being my favourite, topping Smells Like Teens Spirit. I'm not sure what it is, but every Nirvana song has that "care less"  attitude that I like.

That's it for today, goodnight!
Mark

Am I alright?

No. I'm not okay, but i'm adapting, and I like who my circumstance is shaping me to be. My circumstance is shaping me to have a sombre personality, and I like that.

I've gotten good at hiding my emotions; it's almost as if I can activate a particular emotion when I want it to arise. I've found small ways to vent out my emotions. Anger; I'll do a metal growl with offhand lyrics of death that expresses my insights. Sadness; I'll do the same as for anger, but with a whispered scream. Happiness; I'll listen/singalong to songs on the radio. However, I'm never consistent with any one emotion. It'll evolve to yet, some times a totally different, emotion. I can be happy for a moment but then I'll suddenly be down in the doldrums. This is not a complaint, i'm content with the direction I'm heading in.

No matter where I am, I feel awkward. I can't hold a proper conversation with a friend. Halfway through church service, the thought of death coaxed me once again. Church feels like a ritual now, but that's beginning to change as I try to listen intently and take down notes. At least my relationship with Christ is growing. I think.

I don't care if people disagree and laugh - though they mean well. They may not, but I view myself as a freak. A freak's an abnormal deviation from nature. I don't appear as a freak. The way I think is as of a freak; perverted thoughts; brutally malicious thoughts; my perception of how schizophrenia is awesome; my will to cease to exist. Those are all how I think a freak would think.

I give up, I can't kill myself. Moreover, I can burn myself. I'll burn and burn, burn to hell as ashes. While I'm selfish, I would also want a heart of stone. I don't want to feel, that hurts too much. I'm one step closer to achieving that; the emotions, feelings, are all numbed from experiences I've gone through. This is where pretending comes in, and I've gotten good with that! Pretend that I'm better, till that illusion becomes a reality. I'll burn past the wax withholding me and I'll be a live flame - I won't simply live life, but live life as to what I make of it. I'm still deciding what to make of it - that is what life is all about. To live for the moment.

Live for the moment, nothing more

- Mark

Life seems to be getting back on track

Several opinions of life are in my thoughts. Some times I don't think, I'd just live for the moment. On rare occasions I do find myself praising myself for the good I've done; and I'll think life is worth living. Recently it's been a roller-coaster ride where there are times where I'll speed right through cloud nine. Then there are the slow-moving days. Both times are good and I enjoy them both; when I'm moving at a snail-pace I get to think through what I'm doing. Still I feel fickle, I wouldn't know what exactly I want, or what I'm doing and why. I'm incomplete, I must rebuild my character and be more decisive.

Despite all that has had happened, I will still try to press on. When I was simply rotting away, I grew irritated with the pungent stench that my mind could smell. So I decided to pull away and live life. Now I need to make up my mind what I'm living this life for. If not, life would really seem pointless. I'm enjoying learning Japanese and the Japanese lessons I attend. That adds some interest to my life.

I'm off now, see ya!
Mark

Still on a rollercoaster; always will be

Darn it. My perception of time is way off. I last posted on this blog a month back, but it feels like three years since I wrote anything. This is the least of my worries. What's ironic is that I should be the most carefree person in the world while I have no school, no work. Just doctors' appointments, gym sessions, piano classes, and I'll stone through those moments. Being a worrywart, I'll worry about anything and everything.

My favourite music artist right now is Radiohead. The music they play is perfect for those stoned moments. My favourite song is Paranoid Android. I really like the sombre me right now. I've also found that I'm terribly fickle-minded. Can't make up my mind either. My answer to any question is "anything".

Recently, I've concluded that life is quite meaningless. No offense to God, so I won't say anything. Instead of attempting suicide, I've given up since I haven't the guts to harm God's temple - my body. Meanwhile, I've been adapting to my dual personality - one is a suicidal mind while the other is happy-go-lucky all the time. I may exaggerate, but that is what I think of myself.

I'm done for the day. See ya.
Mark

A New Person!

I've been through a tough journey, and am still travelling alongside this steep mountain. Only thing's that now I can see the end of the tunnel. It shines bright. This journey has taught me several aspects to life; patience, how to love, what a living hell life can be. I now know the down and outs of life. The times when you're down and out, life can really deal a whole lotta damage to your self-esteem. Fret not! I'll be talking about this topic today.

So what do you do when you're down and out? Simply lay back and rot to death? I wish it was that simple. Instead, you are to get your head out from beneath; don't be an ostrich. Don't be afraid but do something that may lead up to your advantage. Even if it doesn't, always have hope; try, try, try. Try to make that difference or die trying. Never lose hope, if you've a belief, don't let go of it. I'm a Christian and there was a point of time that I had really wanted to leave the faith. But God never let me go,

Till next time!
Mark

My Japanese is gettin' better, Easter choir's fun, God's at the centre of my life

  After four Japanese lessons, I really feel that my Japanese is improving! Though there's still a long way to go. At least I can now form multiple sentences. *Sense of Achievement*!! Yayy! I love my life I now realise how precious it is. People love you and would hate if something bad ever happens to you. This I learnt on my life journey. I've yet to complete this journey; within this journey there are different routes to get to my destination. In the last choir practise that I had, I really experienced God so impact-fully in worship. It felt similarly to my encounter with God the last time - a few years back - and  this time I was convicted in my heart that God wants me to write songs that'll let people relate with and be consolidated. Somehow, I now feel wiser; I somehow feel like I've immensely grown over the past 3 days. God works in many ways, and this is just one of them.

  I'd like to write more but I'm running short on time, so till next time!
Mark

Got to slow down and approach things in life a step at a time

  Recently I spent time to think through what I have to occupy time. I can't just sleep the whole day haha! I've Japanese lessons every week, anymore than once a week and that'd send me in to a frenzy. Instead, I have my lesson and spend the week revising what I've had just learned.

  Japanese aside, I'm planning to hit the gym three times a week. However, that plan has yet to materialize :P! Besides going to the gym and learning Japanese, I'm also in the church choir for the Easter performances. There's a song we're learning that sounds so similar to the movie "28 Days Later". Which is pretty epic :D

  I'll write more next time! Till then!!

Mark

Yay! Learning Japanese now~~!

  It has been four weeks since I began my first Japanese lesson; it's been four lessons so far. It's really quite amazing! My Japanese tutor is teaching Japanese in Singapore Polytechnic, and it so happens that she lives on the second floor while I live on the eighth floor of the same block.

  I've always had an interest in the Japanese language and culture. It's so nice sounding while the culture is so couth and refined. Now I've this opportunity to learn the language from a professional at a discounted price. It's a real privilege.

  Today was my fourth lesson and I was tired still, but I pressed in and managed to get through that tiring hour. So now that I'm done with that, I'm going to hit the sack and go to bed now.

Till next time!
Mark

And so I've simmered back down to myself; just satisfied for the moment

  I've told you about my mood swings and when I was deep down low in self-esteem. Now I'm telling you that I have now simmered down from a high - don't think it was all medication - to just being satisfied with myself at the moment. That doesn't mean I'm entirely satisfied with my physical status, it is just like how a curved graph (that one particular type which goes up, at it's apex it'll remain stable for a while. then come back to it's origin), only that I don't expect to go back down again. Maybe a few minor dips, but never down low; that I do not expect. What I expect, is that I maintain life at a stable pace.

  Now I am practising to walk and maintain my speed at a moderately fast pace. For now, I still perspire a lot, or maybe it was just the weather. Whichever it is, I intend to be able to walk consistently at a moderate pace like everyone else. Today it was definitely the weather that made me sweat so much, or maybe it was my shirt's material.

  Today I went out to meet my friend, Grace. She seemed tired from work, but was able to maintain a conversation with me. I'm glad there weren't any awkward moments! There was a slight setback though. I got her flowers, since it was just a few days ago that it was valentines, prepared a speech, and if God permitted, I had a song in case. Here's how the song goes:

Every time I see you
Every time I see you smile
I get warm and tingly inside
Nothing can stop me
God hold me

Every time I see you
Every time I see you laugh
It makes me happy
To see you oh-so joyfull

Every time I see you
Every time I see you cry
Although I haven't
I'll be sure to cry with you

I'll always be with you
If not personal
I'll be with you in spirit
If neither of the two
I promise you
God'll be with you

Every time I hear you
Every time I hear your voice
I'll listen to every word
(you say)
Listen to you
Note hand gestures you do

Every time I see you
Every time I hear you
You give me such happiness
You are the joy of my heart

I love you


I thought it out nicely, but I can't blame her. Although I had flowers, she said she doesn't accept flowers from guys. Although I wrote a song for her, it never came into play - time did not permit for it. Despite all these, she accepted my speech, and I was glad I didn't add in any lovey-dopey lines. Anyways, what I felt towards her was probably fond likeness for her bubbly behavior. Overall, the day was good(: I'm glad I went out with Grace; we're good friends and nothing more. Phew! I think I'd like someone even more if she had a fuller chest. Hee hee :D

Till next time,
Mark

Yeah! I'm at the apex in life.

  In this post, I will be sharing with you the difficulties I've had to, and am, experiencing. Then I'll talk about where I'm headed to next.

  So I'll start it off with what I'd call, "what I was before". Before my accident I was an active sportsman - mainly basketball - and a good student. When my accident happened, I instantly blacked out and awoke in a hospital. I have already mentioned in a previous post regarding waking up in a foreign land, how it felt and the entire experience; felt like an alien down on earth. Now, after all the trauma, I now accept who I am, I care more for myself. Sure, I believe life is about taking risks; it's an adventure. However, life is more than taking risks. It's also about caring for yourself. I've always believed in God, now it's different. Now I revere Him; respect and adore Him. My body is a temple where God dwells. So I must take care of this body.

  When I was recovering, I faced several difficulties. My right hand was badly impaired; really inflexible and stiff. My right leg had such a muscle imbalance, and was much weaker compared to my left leg (same with the arms), and I would have spasms on my right foot whenever I was tired, over-working myself. Now the spasms have reduced significantly and is much stronger - though not as strong as my left - all's well end up well.

  Now I'm practising art and am pursuing music. Now my ambition's to be a musician as well as an artist; composer and pianist and cajon drummer. The music I compose, is all for God. Already, I've composed one song and it sounds brilliant. Raw and acoustic. I'd like to upload a recording, but I'm still practising.

  Till next time!
Mark

My faith

  Recently I've been molding into the person that God wants me to be; not only have I been going to gym to get fit and healthy, I've also been going to bible classes that will help me know God better. In fact, this evening I'll be going to a bible class studying the book of John. At first I was slightly resistant to go for the class, but after watching the Bible - a series of episodes showcasing a summary of the bible in 6 episodes - I felt motivated to know God more and to spread His word throughout the world.

  I believe that my ambition to become a translator, a linguist, is because I am to spread the gospel to several areas of the world that don't speak English. I'm starting off with Japanese and right now, once a week I have a neighbour who is willing to tutor me Japanese. I can't say that everything will be smooth sailing, but it's a good kick-off to start with; a great start. Now that is my dream, to become a linguist to spread the gospel around to all people.

  My faith is there, I know it. I can't pray in tongues, yet. That doesn't mean I'm not a good christian or anything. Yet my faith is strong in him.

Till next time,
Mark

Bastille with the song, Pompeii

  Today, and from now on, I'm going to do away with the name Music Wednesday. Any day, I'll talk about any one song. Today I'll be talking about the song, Pompeii.

  The song starts off with an acapella melodic line that repeats in the chorus. In any case you're wondering what the song means, well the town-city Pompeii (within Italy) was destroyed somewhere-way-way-back by a volcanic eruption. If you look at the lyrics, "We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settles around us" it simply mentions that the people of Pompeii, back then, were caught in the onslaught of the eruption. The song also talks about chaos amidst the city; that is probably when the city had run amuck. Now you have to know that Pompeii has been 

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

  Now you have to know that Pompeii has been a tourist attraction for 250 years and counting. I'd imagine that if you were there (I haven't), I'd close my eyes and imagine a comparison between the past and present. It might feel like I had been there before, some weird nostalgia. I'm an optimist of the possible change since the volcano eruption. Alright I think I've been cross-referring over my head, but there is the possible co-relation I mentioned. Then again, it's up to you on how you'd like to interpret the song.

  Now have a listen and enjoy the song! Till next time! 
Mark




or enjoy the acoustic version! It's even better (I feel)

I'm refreshed!

  It is now coming to four years since my accident. Ever since then, I wasn't quite the same as before; not just physically, but mentally as well. The three years after my accident have had been grueling; big and sudden mood swings, those awfully dark days that are bound to pass. Let's just thank God those times are now over. Recently, my family including cousins deep in the family, had come together to celebrate Chinese New Year, and I met an uncle Ken who now lives in England.

  He's quite an interesting fellow, but sometimes he talks a tad too much. Overall, we get along swell. There may be a large age gap, but we somehow seem to click together. As he's only in Singapore for a short while, we met up today and had some talk over lunch and tea. He means well, but I find it a little annoying that he keeps feeding me books. After lunch and tea, we parted and bade goodbye to one another and I retired home while he went to my uncle Alan's workplace for I-don't-know-what. I enjoyed the talk we shared between one another, and I'm sure he did too.

  Apparently, he and I-think-his-whole-family, are able to speak Japanese! That, being an interest of mine, was somehow squeezed in as part of our conversation. He also shared with me that he was a dentist and as of late, a doctor as well! That's really impressive if you ask me. His brain must be a sponge! Of course, he credited all of it to God, I believe that is true as well.

  When I had reached home, I bathed and changed clothes. Then I played the cajon (for who don't know, a cajon is an acoustic drum box which varies in size, depending which you buy. You sit on the drum, right side up is cushioned. Then you use your hands to play the drum by beating against it with your palm.) and worshiped God. I really enjoyed doing so, I found I could play and sing the worship song, Majesty. I'm sure God is pleased as well.(:

  God bless all of you reading this. May the rest of your day/evening be pleasing. Till next time,
Mark

Music Wednesdays are no longer weekly posts

  Hi everyone, I've decided that Music Wednesdays won't be posted every week, especially since I've failed to do so a number of times. Instead, they will be posted when I remember to do so or fortnightly or so, I'll be sure of it.

Since Wednesday has past, Music Thursday!

  Today I'll be letting you listen to the band, "Alt-J", and their song, Breezeblocks. I'm just going to let you listen to it and you'll judge it for yourself!

Music Wednesday

  Today for Music Wednesday, I'll be revisiting the very first band I featured from the first post that started these Music Wednesdays; Grouplove with their song, "Colours". Which I really like both the lyrics and the vocal rhythms. Some parts - like the intro - aren't raps nor singing, instead it's just a laid-back, heck-care, way of filling up beats - to me that is, and I like it.
  As for their other songs, I like them as well. All of them. Which is unusual; I must really like this style they play in. With Grouplove, you can expect something different from even Indie - this is really indie, but not experimental..
  Tired of mainstream? Tired of pop, tired of hard rock? Grouplove is definitely a band to check out to get a feel of what is considered indie.

Go For Something New. Change is Good.

Wilfred

  Today I've just watched the first three episodes of the comedy series, Wilfred. Oh man, it's fuh-ney!  It stars Elijah Wood (from "Lord of The Rings" and "the Hobbit" as Frodo) as Ryan, and Jason Gann as Wilfred. The show is like the comic, "Calvin and Hobbes". Like how Hobbes is a stuffed toy tiger but Calvin see's it as a live talking doll, Wilfred is a dog whom is viewed as a dog by everyone except Ryan. To Ryan, Wilfred is a living human in a dog suit. Different but identical storyline. It's quite funny, really, but the show got cancelled by FX, a separate broadcasting telecast.

  One scene showed a middle-aged woman adoring Wilfried, exclaiming "So cute!" or something along that line. Then Wilfred took that opportunity to bury his head in her breasts, and spasm his head in those soft pillows. Haha it was pretty funny to see Ryan's reaction to this scene. It's a shame that this show had been cancelled after four seasons, but that's a good number; not too long running, neither is it too short. Just the way I like it.

Till next time! Mark

New shows to watch!

  Just today I went to Raffles City Shopping Mall for dinner and my parents and I did some shopping. Bought a new tee and a collared shirt, bought the movie: 3096 Days (about a girl whom was kidnapped at the age of 10, based on a true story, and if I'm not wrong, was released when she was an adult. Alright no, she escaped.), bought a new TV series: Wilfred, which I've yet to watch. So I'm pretty excited! 

  Tonight I'll watch 3096 Days, as I feel night time is perfect for the exact full theatrical effect. Tomorrow I'll hit the gym, think I'm gaining body fat /: Have you ever felt like you haven't fully woken up, and you've already been through the day. That's how I've been feeling these days, or maybe just today. Still it feels weird.

  Now I'm in the car reaching home. Till next time!

The Neighbourhood with Sweater Weather

I like this song. Sweater Weather. The Neighbourhood is an Indie band, A.K.A. The NBHD, based in America. What I like about the song is based on several factors. The simple drum intro. The raps among the singing. The song also gives that urban vibe-like sound.

Expressing yourself. New year's resolution. Why a life partner.

So it's been four days that I've had bought an actual diary. At first I thought that having a blog would be enough. As it turns out, apparently not. Though I'm an open person, there are still certain events in life that I'd like to keep to myself. I'll be vague on this, so bear with me. There are those awful dark days which you'd probably experience seldom, but they will come to pass, no doubt. As far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't want to trouble anyone else, but myself, with my own worries, no matter how minute. Lest I've spent my December with anxieties. So this is where I need the diary. Jotting down my day's troubles is going to be an outlet of my emotions, since talking can be a problem lest I can't get the words out properly. At least when I journal down in a diary and should I be stuck in my sentences, I'll have time to think through about the right word to use in that moment. Even right now, I'm typing a phrase at a time, taking long pauses to think of what I want to convey through my words. Have you ever experienced a time when the words are hard to come forth? Or you know what you want to say but suddenly your mind goes blank and you're wondering what did you wanted to say previously? Well that's what I'm going through right now and it can get so frustrating, right to the brink where you feel your head, or at least your brain, will implode. Well that's the reason why, in the first place, that I decided a blog will do me good. Now I feel I'll need both. Now I've got a blog, a diary, I've got music, the piano, going to learn drums all over again, I've got all these mediums where I can express myself. Previously I kept everything to myself. I was a boiling pot, a volcano ready to erupt, and finally I've got everything almost-in-control. Now I've still got these emotions trembling beneath me, at least they aren't severe tremors and won't lead to anything really serious, unlike before are thoughts I wouldn't want to rethink. Now let's talk about the new year. Are you making any new year's resolutions? I've made one. Don't do anything porn-related. Don't let your thoughts run wild, what I've already done is rather minuscule but to me, it's bad enough. I can't be too hard on myself, I'm a human like everyone else; we all make mistakes. As far as my thoughts have taken me, as far as my heart has gone, I'm positive I want a partner in life, I can't live through those suicidal moments all over again. I'll need someone physical to lean on when I'm getting weak in the chink of my armor. God is always there, but even though that may be the case, I'll need someone I can see, feel, and touch. Y'know, suddenly I'm reminded of Blink 182's song, "Always". "C'mon let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always." That's the first part of the song, but I love the whole song. Blink 182 forever. The song really has a feel-good theme to it. It's really a nice song, take a listen.

The year's first Music Wednesday!

Tonight I'll be talking about a song. Andrew Macmahon's "Synesthesia". I see colours when I hear your voice. That is part of the lyrics of the song. For those who don't know what it is, it's a neurological condition whereby you perceive numbers or letters as colours. I'm not too clear about it either; that's all I know. Anyway, back to the song. The introductions gives an electronic vibe to my anticipation of the rest of the song. Only to my surprise, after the introduction, it sounded very pop-ish in the following verse. It is only in the chorus, where the bass captures my attention with electronic vibes. Or are they synthesisers? It's one or the other. Now you be the judge and take a listen for yourselves, till next time!

First blog post of the year; happy new year to all!!

Before I make anymore promises - not saying I've went back on anything I've already promised - I'll be sure to keep Music Wednesdays a weekly article. Unless I'm really busy; but these day's I've got much time on my hands.^^ Now, I'd like to wish everyone out there a blessed new year! Last night I learnt to give of my best; irregardless of a good or bad situation. For some odd reason - this also explains why I didn't blog as much recently - I've been having a sour mood and a tour of a sulky december. This foreshadow of a moody holiday in Korea, reflected my behavior in december. Most of you wouldn't have realised this predicament I was in. That's because I have an automated facade that I put on infront everyone to show that I'm superficially alright; a lot of times, it's the random mental thoughts I have that could be either morally wrong, sadistic, perverse, or all of the above. Most of the time when I confide in my brother or cousin, I can't find the words to express myself. After I found it hopeless to confide in anyone, then nothing but suicidal thoughts came to mind. Which eventually led to two occasions where I attempted suicide. This must've been a result of my craving for grunge music. Those dark lyrics, mentally unsound melodies; may not reflect suicide, but relate to it. It has been a long time since I last truely felt happy, last night was exceptional. Last evening, more specifically at 6, my parents and I set off to fetch my grandparents to dinner at my cousin's house. I was in my anti-social behaviour; intending to have had done two hours worth of sudoku puzzles, go sleep by the couch after dinner. Instead, I had somehow suggested a karaoke - yes, my cousins have a karaoke programmed via the TV. I had suggested such, not intending to be social, but to simply kill time. In the end, I - to my surprise - gradually, thoroughly enjoyed singing my heart out. I was actually putting in much effort to sing. Best effort I put in, in quite a while. Before this, I was talking with my cousin about my situation, trying to get an explanation of why I shouldn't contemplate suicide. Instead, all I took away from that conversation, was that my cousin really cares for me. Turns out, all I needed was a fun time to let me see that life is worth living. That led to my conclusion, "Give your best, through each endeavour despite the good-or-bad situation you might be in". That's all for today! Wait for Music Wednesday, coming up soon!